i need

to do something.
anything.
i need to go somewhere.

sorry

i dont weigh 99 fucking pounds.
or have a perfect body.
or a perfect face.
sorry i dont look as good as all the others.
how am i supposed to compete with all of that?
how can i be confident around so many people that are very obviously better.
i dont get how someone could want me when they have so many better options to choose from.
that will never be me.
i dont even begin to compare.
i hate this.

I don't care if it hurts
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul

ya know,

steel-cut oatmeal with bananas and cinnamon is really yummy.
and sometimes, i like to sit and drink coffee/smoke cigs on my dock, in my underwear.
that is all.

monster

You cant stop.
its a fucking monster that will never leave you.
it consumes you, its all you think about.
you will never be what you want to be.
you will never be THAT good.
life isnt fair, and you got the shit end of the deal.
dont look, you'll only hurt yourself.
dont talk, nobody gets it.
"its just a phase." "it'll get better." "yeah, i do that too."
no, you dont. you dont know. you dont understand.
you dont spend days crippled by your thoughts.
paralyzed by what you see.
you dont know why you dont see the point in getting up.
you spend days in hiding, feeling like your not worth it.
you cant even look at yourself. words cant describe how angry it makes you.
you keep fucking up.
your just hurting yourself every day to reach a point youll never get to.
its the biggest battle that you'll never win.
but you would never know.
you dont see what i see.

look of the day

im going to start doing look of the day posts, with the outfits i choose to wear each day.
and since i will be wearing no outfit but my work outfit today, im going to start with a few previous looks from a few days ago.


White over-sized t-shirt- Express
skirt- Urban Outfitters


Black and white dress- Urban Outfitters
Blazer- Urban Outfitters


Grey jacket- Urban Outfitters
Striped tank top with back zipper- Urban Outfitters
Black pants- Urban Outfitters


more to come.
and i promise Urban is not the only place i shop. that was just a coincidence.

Urban Dictionary

1. amethyst
(1)Extremely cool and adorkable girl. Usually is seen reading classic novels and listening to indie rock. This particular person has the ability to be intelligent, but act completely stupid at the same time. Often misunderstood (2)The purple gemstone which is also the birthstone for February.
Holy hell! That girl is incredibly amethyst!
indie girl purple adorkable intelligensia
by Ammy Kennedy May 31, 2007 share this
2. Amethyst 18 up, 3 down
buy amethyst mugs, tshirts and magnets1) an awesome purple mineral

2) a girl who is beautiful beyond belief. Often mistaken for an angel, Amethyst has a certain glow about her. She is extremely intelligent but also has a naughty side. She is extremely stubborn and will always be true to herself. No regrets when it comes to Amethyst. People are easily drawn to her and her angelic charm.
1) she had an amethyst necklace

2) Amethyst is basically the universal definition of dream girl.
beauty gorgeous beautiful dream girl perfection
by SemoPrice Feb 9, 2010 share this


hahah

dont do it.

i dont play games.
i wont get fucked over.
i wont waste my time.
i wont settle for less than i deserve.
i wont be treated badly, again.
i wont i wont i fucking wont.

8 am

Me: I wish it would stop fucking raining every day.
Stepmom: I know
Me: it's depressing
Stepmom: isn't it? rain is only good for staying home and cuddling
Me: well I don't have anyone to cuddle with
Stepmom: you have me!
Me: yeah, but you don't have a penis
Stepmom: I can get one put on.
Me: it's not the same, sorry.
Stepmom: these days , anything is possible.

Haha wow.

so, its fall

and that means its time for a new pair (or two, or three, or four pairs) of boots!

here are a few that I have my eye on:











of course, these arent all of them, but just to give an idea.

I LOVE SHOES<3

all i want

is an apartment with a cute, loving, adorable boyfriend, a cat, and gucci.
thats all.

Long Clothing part 2

more pictures of the different designs.

LOVE: Long Clothing

Long Clothing company out of the UK.
i love the designs and how they are long, yet have a skinny-fit.
these are so badass!

things.

random things ive thought about today:

1. that time with the moments.
2. you.
3. hookahs.
4. being cross-eyed.
5. spiders.
6. oatmeal.
7. creeper at the gym.
8. how i want to take pictures on the beach.
9. the possibility of one day being in another relationship.
10. love.
11. anorexia.
12. russel brand.
13. gucci.
14. wondering how long ill have to wait.
15. boob jobs.

its amazing how many thoughts go through one's mind in a day.
the list could go on and on if i wanted it to.


im feeling really content right now.
i dont really know why. it may be those couple of hits i took a minute ago.
but its genuine contentness ( is that even a word?) that i feel.
i mean, i also still feel fat, and still wanna see you right now, and still wanna cuddle with my dog, and still dont want to work a double tommorow, and still havent showered today, and still need more friends. but here, right now, im pretty damn content. :)

how's that for the most random post ever?

stressin'

I have been working so much lately.
holy shit.
seriously, every day. I barely have time for school work. I had to do my paper today, three days early, just so i would have it done in time because i work allll weekend and a double on sunday. FML.
i seriously better have a fucking amazing paycheck.
after today i work 4 days in a row, have wednesday off, then work another 6 days in a row. i have never worked that much in my entire life. i guess thats normal for most people, but its stressing me the fuck out.

i am thankful to be staying busy though. that way i dont have to think about dieting and all that shit and hopefully i can get back to my routine and lose a few pounds.
ive been feeling really shitty mentally lately. i dont know what it is.
not very confident.
not very sure of things.

i miss knoxville a whole lot.
i wanna come home and see Gucci, and go to some shows, and smoke hookah in my room with a cute boy, and sleep in my own bed in my own room with my shit all over the walls. i miss my mom. i miss my friends. i still dont have anyone i can confide in here. no one to talk to about things. yeah, i have people i can call up, but thats not the same. i want to talk my shit out with my friends face to face.
so frustrating.
very very stressed lately.
and ive been smoking way way way way wayyyy too many cigarettes. its disgusting and i cant afford it anymore, but i cant stop.
ugh.

The cool thing

About hangovers is that you feel too shitty to eat the next day, so it makes up for all the shit I ate last night. good deal.

sleepyhead.

Third day in a row I've woken up at 6am for no reason at all. I'm exhausted but can't go back to sleep.
kill mee.

Also, last night I saw the BIGGEST spider I have ever seen in my life. no joke. I could have died just looking at it in it's huge ass web right in the middle of a walk-way. I feel incredibly sorry for whoever walks into that. I swear, california has the gnarliest spiders. I see at least three huge disgusting ones a day everywhere I go. It's like living in my worst nightmare.

I miss Knoxville and gucci. and hanging out with my friends. and my mom.

I want to work more. I want two jobs but I wish somewhere awesome would hire me.

Consumption

For my own benefit.

Thursday:
3 cups black coffee.
4 eggwhites(50 cal ishh) one piece toast(45 cal)
one scoop protein powder (82 cal)
half banana ( 50 ishh)
yoplait light with half banana and small handful of almonds ( 150-200 )
Bowl of reduced sodium chicken noodle soup, brocolli, one scoop protein powder. ( 250 ishh)

To be continued.

A letter to my worst enemy.

Dearest bathroom scale,

If you don't start decreasing your number 5 lbs lighter in the next two weeks, I swear to god, I will throw you against the wall. I don't eat little to nothing and bust my ass at the gym everyday for you, for nothing. Why must you do this to me? things better start changing soon, or else. Got it?


with all the sincerity and hatred my little heart can conjur up,
Amethyst.

excitement.

so, my text books for my online classes came in the mail this morning.
im so excited. i love new text books. yeah, im super lame. i know this.
i really really hope i can handle all of my online classes and do well in all of them. especially math, the one i need the most and dont want to do the most. ugh.
im going to work my ass off though. FIDM, you cant hold me backkkkk.


on another note, im off to go get Honest Tea, green tea. my favorite, at Albertson's, then picking up some cigarettes, and off to my job interview at Cheesecake Factory! wish me luck!
i need this, BAD.

Cravings.

I'm craving chocolate so bad right now.
Or coffee ice cream.
Or a cupcake.
Or anything that's really terrible for me.
Instead, I've resorted to smoking a ton of cigarettes to try not to think about it. Gross.

I'm also craving new shoes.
Lots of shoes.
And a new purse.
And some new clothes.
And a cuddle sesh.
And some lovin.

Somebody help me!

things are looking up!

Today, I finally got into some online classes. English 102, Communications 100, Psychology 101. I still need to take a math class though, but apparently i need to take a placement test. FUCK THAT. ill just sign up for math somewhere else.
andddd i applied at Cheesecake Factory (favorite restaurant) today, and have a phone interview sometime today! So im really hoping that goes well. :)
also, im going to LA this weekend and plan on meeting a ton of new people! i cant wait.
im so happy things are finally going my way. i guess everything bad DOES happen for a reason.
<3

Happy Birthday

Dad.

I went to Target today to get my dad a birthday card, and i started picking up the various cards, and reading them. As i started reading them, i started to tear up at all the sweet things the cards said. Not because im THAT sensitive/emotional when it comes to cards, but because the cards were saying things about dads that mine is not. They said things like " you've always been there for me no matter what." or " you've always been so encouraging, and supportive." or " when i was little you put me on your shoulders so i could have a better view, you were there when i took my first steps." or " your so kind and loving and full of wisdom and guidance." shit like that. then i started thinking about how none of these cards were appropriate for my dad. If i were to give him one of those, it would have been a lie. I teared up thinking that i have never considered my dad to be any of those things. ive never had the dad ive always wanted. they would say things like " we have so many great memories together, that ill cherish forever." nope. not me. I cant recall a single significant memory that i have with my father. no special moments. nothing i particularly care to remember. its really sad. I wish he was the kind of man ive always needed in my life. I wish i was daddys little girl. but im afraid that will never happen. it hurts to know that. im sorry to say that no, your not "the best dad i could ever ask for."

Happy Birthday Dad.

If you really knew me,

You'd know that I smoke too much. When I'm bored, when I'm driving, after I eat, after sex, too much.

I'm extremely self concious. I may not seem like it, but I am. I hate my arms, and I hate my stomach. I'm never happy with how I look. When I was getting too thin, and people told me I looked unhealthy, secretly, that made me feel great.

I work out every single day, not because I really enjoy it anymore, but because if I don't, I freak out. I can't run like I used to, and sometimes I don't work out like I used to and I hate it. I've left the gym crying countless times from being so mad at myself.

Most days, I can't look in the mirror. It physically hurts to look in the
Mirror. I hate what I see. It instantly puts me in a bad mood. I can't tell you how many times I've looked in the mirror and started bawling. one time, I got so angry with myself, I punched a hole in the wall.

If I mess up my diet, even eating one thing that's bad for me, I feel so incredibly guilty. I get depressed and start crying, or I'll sleep all day to avoid my thoughts. Or some days it's the opposite, I feel so unhappy with myself that I just say fuck it, and eat so much that I make myself sick and unable to do anything all day. Sometimes this lasts for days at a time, sometimes weeks. its like I'm punishing myself.

And when i do eat stuff that's bad for me, I hide it. I'd eat when everyone went to bed. if someone saw me eating I'd feel like I was doing something wrong, like they would judge me.

Sometimes I feel like when people look at me, all their thinking is how fat I am. I feel like all they can focus on is my flaws. people who knew me when I was heavier and saw me after I lost weight, I feel like when they see me now, they are thinking how I've gained weight back, and how I'm just a fat ass with no self control and how I've let myself go. That's what I feel like they are thinking.

Seeing pretty skinny girls is really depressing for me. i get so incredibly jelous that it can actually ruin my day. at
Times, seeing someone so pretty and skinny has actually made me so sad that I just eat to make myself feel better, but it only makes me feel better for a minute, then I feel like shit for binging like that in the first place. It's crazy. Like. If a hot guy walks by, I'd be more likely to check out the girl he's with and envy how skinny she is than even take a second look at the guy.

want

when i was 5 i wanted a pony.
when i was 12 i wanted a cell phone.
when i was 15 i wanted to be able to stay out past 11:30.
when i was 17 i wanted a boyfriend.

i never stop wanting.

things i currently really really want:
- this one black bag at Steve Madden.
- a smaller, simpler, camera. just for fun.
- to lose 15 pounds.
- to make friends in california.
- to get that job at Urban.
- to get into school this semester.
- a BMW. black.
- a kitten. black and white with white boots.
- to stop smoking.
- millions of dollars.
- to be successful.
- to feel pretty again.
- a best friend.
- to be able to run 5 miles again.
- new music.
- endless supply of Jamba Juice.

fake.

You think your so classy with your fake hair, your fake nails, and your unnecessarily HUGE fake tits.
well, you're not.
grow a personality.
talking to you was literally like talking to a brick wall.
how do you live like that?

sex on the brain?

I told my dad i wanted someone to go to the beach with today, preferrably a hot guy.
his response: "you know, it seems like all you think about is sex, thats the only thing you have on your mind."
umm...yeah dad..thats me..always thinking about sex.
hell no.
actually, i couldnt care less about it.
i just want guy friends. 90% of my friends are guys. purely platonic.
why is meeting some nice guys too much to ask?
my dad doesnt seem to understand that im going crazy not having people to hang out with.
he keeps saying, "just hang out with the family, hang out with your brother."
no, thats not the same.

also, we were discussing which room my brother should move into, and when we decided on one, my dad says " oh jason this is perfect for when you have girls over and they're running around naked you have the bathroom next door. and now since your right across the hall from Ama, youll know when she has guys over and you need to come out and beat the shit out of them and kick them out."


great.

adjusting

to my new life in california. so far, not so good. Everyone seems to think I am so "lucky". in a way, yeah, i am. I get to live in a beautiful place that not everyone gets to experience. but with that, comes putting up with an extreme amount of bullshit. let me just say, being a girl and having a middle eastern father is fucking difficult. He is unbelievably strict. I feel like im 15 again. going from living with my mother, who doesn't ever question where i go, what time i come home, or who i am hanging out with, yet still acts as a loving, caring, supportive mother, to living with my dad who doesnt let me hang out with anyone who doesn't live up to his standards, questions every move I make,tells me to be home at 11 when I am almost 20 years old, and from whom i receive no loving caring feelings from is beyond frustrating and so very difficult. I feel like i will never break free from his control. The only way to escape it is to be able to completely support myself financially, which in orange county, is nearly impossible for me. This is the only reason i wish my parents had never divorced. I need to be in california to go anywhere with my life,and i need financial help from my dad to go anywhere with my life, but i need my mom to live with and talk to and support me. I dont think a day has gone by since ive been here that i havent been bitched at for something, or told that im a dissapointment. I could handle that, if i had someone to go to here that really cared. i could put up with the bullshit, if i just had someone to hang out with that made me feel better, lifted me up, someone to counteract the way my dad makes me feel. but i have no one. i no longer have any real friends out here. so im stuck listening to this every day, and its stressful. My father has never been supportive, other than in the financial aspect. I dont recall anything encouraging, or nice that he has ever said to me. Im really frustrated and lonely and my self esteem keeps getting lower every day. i just needed to vent.

i cant wait till school starts, that is if i get in. i will throw myself into my work to take my mind off of everything and spend as much time away from home as possible.
also, ive applied at Urban Outfitters and Steve Madden, so hopefully ill be getting a job soon and that will help as well.

ugh, i miss everyone so much.

Champagne and tears.

This is my second post about champagne.
Can you tell it's my favorite?
At least it made saying goodbye easier.
I have not cried this much in a very long time. I feel like my fun, care free life is over. I feel as if Im forcing myself to grow up all of a sudden, without warning. Because I am. I have left everything that is comfortable to me, and everyone that loves me, for a place that is outside my comfort zone, where I don't know what will happen. I don't have my loving mother to fall back on anymore. yeah, I have my dad, but that is very very different. I'm scared and I'm worried and Im starting to think That maybe I'm making a mistake. I'm not. I miss my best friend. you really don't realize how much someone means to you untill you have to leave them. When someone has been in your life every day for 4 years, and all of a sudden their not just 10 minutes away, it's extremely hard to deal with. What if I change? What if you change?

Christina Aguilera is my idol.
she is so incredibly talented. her voice is unbelievable. not to mention, she has great style.
whenever im feeling down, i always put in one of her cd's and drive around belting out every single song.
always makes me feel better.
yeah, im lame.

Champagne and sex

I was just told that me+champagne is a sexy/sexual drunk.

I beg to differ.
I'm just a really happy drunk.

utterly useless

Im sitting here staring at the computer screen, feeling satisfied, having just made/consumed breakfast for dinner. (cheesy egg-whites,toast, and day old coffee.) surprisingly yummy.
ok, so the coffee's not that great, but I'm tolerating it.
I didn't go to the gym today for the second day in a row. Im really angry at myself for this. i seem to have given up. That is definatly not something i need to be doing. Im going to be in the fashion industry. i cant get fat again. no one will take me seriously. I think im seriously BURNT OUT on working out. i still enjoy it most days, but there are those days where i just cannot make myself go. supposedly, thats normal but that never used to happen. a few months ago, i would drag my ass to the gym rain or shine, 9 hours of sleep or no sleep at all, healthy eating or binge eating. i would always go. I think im just extremely bored with my routine. but if i change it, i dont really feel like i got a good workout. sometimes, just thinking about going to the gym makes me tired. makes me want to just go to sleep. its so bad, when im at the gas station watching the numbers count up on the gas pump, those ticking numbers remind me of the seconds ticking away ever so slowly on the treadmill, and i get this feeling of pure hatred for working out. even the numbers on the fucking microwave remind me of working out, and im just like UGHHH. that's how lame i am.
so overall i just feel fucking fat and lazy. i cannot get back into the swing of things for the life of me. why nooottt? its so frustrating.


Im feeling pretty confident with my admissions stuff for FIDM. We'll see how long that lasts, once i get the email back from my advisor reading my essays.
Ive started getting outfits together for the project. im pretty excited about it. i think i have a chance! i hope i hope i hope.

I was reading Marie Claire earlier, and they had an article on this store in China where they buy a bunch of used tv's, furniture, and stuff like that that women can pay to come in and smash all to pieces to release frustration about their jobs or cheating husbands and whatnot. They give the women hammers and bats and they have a minute to go at it and smash as much as they want. That is such a good idea. We should deffinately have places like this in America, no? That would be entirely too much fun.

back to selecting more outfits...

In case you wanted to know

Haven't had much time for blogging lately.
My mind has been completely focused on my admissions stuff for FIDM, lately.
So far, I have written and re-written my Admissions essay and written my Academic Explanation essay. They are not completely perfect yet, but I think they are pretty close to being finished. Tomorrow i will start gathering materials for my entrance project which includes making up a name for a company, writing a paragraph or so about the demographic of my company, and then putting together five fully accessorized outfits (evening-wear, casual, office attire, etc.) on paper, and coming up with price points for them. Shouldn't be too terribly difficult. Im not worried about what outfits im going to choose, im just worried about writing about the demographic and then making the project look good. Im so nervous that it won't be good enough. But, im giving it everything i've got, so it better be! Im so so so excited/nervous about this whole thing. If i get accepted, i will be the happiest/luckiest girl in the world. busy busy busyyy.

And because of all of this, i have been smoking wayyyyy too many cigarettes, and drinking way too much caffeine.
It will all be worth it later, i hope.

Im about to start reading this book called "I Am Not Myself These Days". looks really good. we'll see!

Louis Vuitton bongs?!

OK,

so i made my decision. Im going to take a semester at Saddleback and then transfer to FIDM in the spring. By then, ill have a place of my own in LA and a great job at a clothing store hopefully.
I was really excited to find out that i still had time to apply at FIDM for the fall semester, and over all that is what i really want to be doing, but i made the decision to go to Saddleback first because, even though i have plenty of time to apply to the other school, I still feel like i have to rush to get all of the stuff done in time. Also, with the classes ill be taking at community college, I'll be more educated in my major and have more experience and build better relationships with people so that i have better options of people to get reccommendations from. Overall, i feel i'd be better prepared to apply at FIDM if i had a little bit more time to learn and do the stuff i have to do. So, even though i was really excited to just go straight to fashion school, it will be better this way, and the excitement will happen soon enough. I'm still excited to start accomplishing something, start working towards something. Only good things will come, as long as i work hard. which i have every intention of doing.


On another note. i've been eating horribly lately.
too much of wayyy too unhealthy shit.
whats wrong with me? I dont do that. I know better than that.
Why can't i just go back to being super healthy all the time.
I need to so bad, or im going to get fat again. that can never ever happen.
I need to do this again. I can do this. ugh.


oh AND, i just got kicked out of my brother's room. apparently i was cock blocking. JESUS...

OH YES.

Muzz found my Ray Bans. :D
yayayayayay THANK GOD.
i was really bummed there, for a few days.

change of plans,mckay's and parliaments.

whoah.
spoke with an Advisor from FIDM today, and apparently they dont start classes untill October. But my time to sign up for classes at Saddleback is now. So do i sign up anyways as a back up plan and risk wasting all that money if i get into FIDM? or do I take a risk and apply at FIDM and just wait and see what happens? i would just hate to not get accepted at FIDM and then have spent all that time waiting, and be left without a school to go to this semester. I dont want to waste any more time. I wanted to start working towards my dreams NOW. I dont know what to do...
also, if i got accepted to FIDM, that would mean i dont have to move untill October or maybe mid-September, which would be wayy cool.
decisions, decisions...

I went to Mckay's today to try and find "The Bell Jar." I found it, but it was still 8 dollars. And being almost broke, like i am, thats still more than i feel like paying. It was cheaper at target, believe it or not. like 5 bucks.
I can't believe I have never really checked out the books at Mckay's before. I found soo many that i want.
ugh, hate being broke. Also, they have a pretty decent collection of books on fashion. Needless to say, i want them all.

I think i smoke over a pack a day now. At least, thats what it seems like. That is fucking disgusting. and expensive.
Im going to die of cancer and have wrinkles by the time im like, 25. I want to quit so badly, but i can't.

amazing shirts- Scott B. Allcorn w. Illustrator Sam Cotton, Vol 1 "Book of Geo"

I absolutely love these shirts.
Scott Allcorn worked together with print designer/illustrator Sam Cotton to create Vol 1 'Book of Geo', a study of surface taken from human anatomy,skins in animals, and more recognizable textures in fabrics.
The prints were created by being painted on canvas first. Digital print was only used to allow the fabric to drape and move, but the paint-like texture is still retained because of being created on canvas first.
my favorite is the Sting-ray skin print.

R.I.P

my beloved Ray Bans.
my favorite sunglasses in the whole entire world.
the PERFECT pair for me.
lost, forever. :(
i am super upset about it, actually.

I love Daisy Lowe.

http://hypebeast.com/2010/07/palladium-authenticity-daisy-lowe/
WATCH THIS.
Lover her style.
her accent.
her jacket.

Laver's Law

This was interesting to me.
Laver's Law is a theory that James Laver came up with. He is a writer that is known for his studies in fashion history. This is his theory on the cycle of fashion and fashion trends. The law about an item of clothing or a trend is above.

I take this to be pretty accurate, wouldn't you say?

Fashion and 9/11.

Just a second ago, i was reading a blog called searchingforstyle, and the author was talking about this book she read called " The Thoughtful Dresser", by Linda Grant. She proceeded to include certain paragraphs from the book in her post that she found interesting. This is one that she shared that i thought was both interesting and humorous:

“…if there was ever an indictment of the vacuity of the fashionable mind and its stubborn (occasionally heroic) insistence on ignoring reality, it was the revelation that on September 11 the Yves Saint Laurent store on Madison Avenue, which had just taken delivery of its $2,500 purple gypsy peasant blouse with puff sleeves, received over forty calls to find out if they were still open and if the blouse was available.”

I really want to read this book now.

I DIE FOR THESE.

Finsk wedges. SO SO cute. i absolutely, 100% cannot live without them. saving starts NOW.

Burberry Spring/Summer 2010 collection.

I love these looks. especially the coat in the first picture.

uh oh.

This is how lame I am. I have just developed an interest in ebay. Now, i am slightly angry that my mom has sold all my old designer purses in yard sales over the past few years. Off i go to find other random shit to sell. 

I'm thinking I'll sell my hookah before I leave. That will make some money for sure. 

Style Icon.

Rihanna has some mad style. I love how her look is so edgy now. suits her much better than her fun, innocent vibe she had going on back in the day. These photos in the July 2010 cover of Elle Magazine, are probably my favorite photos of her, ever. Not only am i a huge fan of leopard print anything, but i love the seductive elegance of these pictures. 

So many choices.

I cant make up my mind. At first, i was thinking i would go to Saddelback Community College and get a business degree and then transfer to FIDM (Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising). Then i thought to myself, "well, i really want to get started in fashion NOW, but i still need a business degree." So, i thought i would double major at Saddleback in Business Management and Fashion Merchandising. Though, i dont exactly know how to go about double majoring.Then, while i was researching today, i found out that i could have just applied to FIDM for a 2-year fashion merchandising degree and just continue on to a 4-year degree with business management. SHIT. If only i had looked into this earlier. Now, i am super confused. I dont want to make the wrong decision that will take me down the wrong path to broke instead of the path to MILLIONS. I swear, i need a career counselor or something. I JUST NEED TO BE SUCCESSFUL. Im 100% willing to do whatever it takes to get there. So, is that so much to ask? I wish there was just a list of steps layed out for me and all i had to do was follow them. Now, i have made the decision that I'm going to go to Saddleback for one semester for Fashion merchandising( just so i dont waste time taking a semester off from school), and then transfer to FIDM in the spring. That is, if i get in. I would have to do a project to get in and write an essay and all of that. Ive never done that before. Also, if i dont get in, my plan is fucked and i have no idea what i will do. I should probably apply to a back up fashion school as well, huh? 

I'm also going to need a job as soon as i get to California. My dad's words were, " I'm not paying for anything anymore. You'll get food...maybe, and a roof over your head." Oh, great dad. Im hoping to get a job at Nordstrom's. Regardless though, i AM going to apply for the internship there. That will definately look good for FIDM.

i am proud of myself for coming up with some-what of a plan for the next year at least. I hope to God that everything works out. 

last time i checked

I wasnt 5 fucking years old.

LUST

I have an intense longing in my soul for this Alexander Wang bag.

its starting to hit me.

i cant stop thinking about moving. im excited, yes. excited to get my life going. excited to finally be feeling like im doing something, getting somewhere. But, it really hit me today, as i was registering for classes that im MOVING for good. Im not coming back. All the wonderful people ive met here, all the memories i have. FINISHED. Yeah, ill keep in touch with people, but its not the same. Ill never have close relationships with any of them ever again. This makes me so sad i cant even explain. No more comfort zone. No more mom to talk to every morning. No more big comfy room with all my stuff on the walls and all my random shit ive collected over the years sitting everywhere. No more Gucci, the sweetest most loveable dog. No more huge awesome gym where i know almost everyone, where i accomplished so much. No more Starbucks where i can go and almost always see someone i know. Im terrified of being lonely. What if i dont make any friends? What if the only people i have to talk to are my brother and my dad who i can barely stand? What if something happens to my mom or my grandma while im away? I dont want to miss out on whats going on here. I fear that Ill come back to visit and no one will care. Or ill have gone so long without seeing them that they will have forgotten about me. 

now, here i am. i cant sleep and im crying because im so sad. Ive been alone for 4 days straight. litterally sitting in my room for 4 days without talking to anyone. Thats not good for my mental well-being. I need comfort. I need some reassurance that everything is going to work out.

HOLY JESUS.

this is my future husband.

this just leaves me speechless...

this man is perfect.

of course, he's probably like married to some super hot chick that looks like angelina jolie or something. 

figures.

but, DAMN.

Moving day

is getting closer and closer and i am TERRIFIED. Terrified of whats going to happen. Terrified of the unknown. Terrified of living with the fucking devil (aka my father). What if i dont make it. What if i dont make any friends? What if i fall flat on my face? this cant happen. I am moving to force myself to grow up and do something with my life for real. Knoxville has no opportunity. When i get there my life will be filled with studying, working, and going to the gym every day. I cant wait to be that busy. Hopefully ill be so busy, ill barely have time to eat, but plenty of time to work out. I hope I meet a lot of amazing people and have an amazing social life. That's all i want. I AM SO SCARED.

I love this.

why

Why do i continue to do this to myself. its like im punishing myself. i cant do anything right. i can stick to it for a long time, then have weeks and weeks of fucking it all up. then it takes several more weeks to fix. i hate this. and i know it makes me feel like shit. but i cant stop. its a battle that will never be won. always fighting.

my love.

Fashion is my passion.

Its the only thing that makes my eyes light up.

i love the way clothes tell a story of the person wearing them.

i love the affect they have on a person’s mood.

the way they can draw people in, or turn people off.

the way clothes can make a person feel better about themselves.

the capability they have to bring out a person’s best features.

nothing is more exciting to me.

one day soon, im going to make it big.