If you really knew me,

You'd know that I smoke too much. When I'm bored, when I'm driving, after I eat, after sex, too much.

I'm extremely self concious. I may not seem like it, but I am. I hate my arms, and I hate my stomach. I'm never happy with how I look. When I was getting too thin, and people told me I looked unhealthy, secretly, that made me feel great.

I work out every single day, not because I really enjoy it anymore, but because if I don't, I freak out. I can't run like I used to, and sometimes I don't work out like I used to and I hate it. I've left the gym crying countless times from being so mad at myself.

Most days, I can't look in the mirror. It physically hurts to look in the
Mirror. I hate what I see. It instantly puts me in a bad mood. I can't tell you how many times I've looked in the mirror and started bawling. one time, I got so angry with myself, I punched a hole in the wall.

If I mess up my diet, even eating one thing that's bad for me, I feel so incredibly guilty. I get depressed and start crying, or I'll sleep all day to avoid my thoughts. Or some days it's the opposite, I feel so unhappy with myself that I just say fuck it, and eat so much that I make myself sick and unable to do anything all day. Sometimes this lasts for days at a time, sometimes weeks. its like I'm punishing myself.

And when i do eat stuff that's bad for me, I hide it. I'd eat when everyone went to bed. if someone saw me eating I'd feel like I was doing something wrong, like they would judge me.

Sometimes I feel like when people look at me, all their thinking is how fat I am. I feel like all they can focus on is my flaws. people who knew me when I was heavier and saw me after I lost weight, I feel like when they see me now, they are thinking how I've gained weight back, and how I'm just a fat ass with no self control and how I've let myself go. That's what I feel like they are thinking.

Seeing pretty skinny girls is really depressing for me. i get so incredibly jelous that it can actually ruin my day. at
Times, seeing someone so pretty and skinny has actually made me so sad that I just eat to make myself feel better, but it only makes me feel better for a minute, then I feel like shit for binging like that in the first place. It's crazy. Like. If a hot guy walks by, I'd be more likely to check out the girl he's with and envy how skinny she is than even take a second look at the guy.