fake.

You think your so classy with your fake hair, your fake nails, and your unnecessarily HUGE fake tits.
well, you're not.
grow a personality.
talking to you was literally like talking to a brick wall.
how do you live like that?

sex on the brain?

I told my dad i wanted someone to go to the beach with today, preferrably a hot guy.
his response: "you know, it seems like all you think about is sex, thats the only thing you have on your mind."
umm...yeah dad..thats me..always thinking about sex.
hell no.
actually, i couldnt care less about it.
i just want guy friends. 90% of my friends are guys. purely platonic.
why is meeting some nice guys too much to ask?
my dad doesnt seem to understand that im going crazy not having people to hang out with.
he keeps saying, "just hang out with the family, hang out with your brother."
no, thats not the same.

also, we were discussing which room my brother should move into, and when we decided on one, my dad says " oh jason this is perfect for when you have girls over and they're running around naked you have the bathroom next door. and now since your right across the hall from Ama, youll know when she has guys over and you need to come out and beat the shit out of them and kick them out."


great.

adjusting

to my new life in california. so far, not so good. Everyone seems to think I am so "lucky". in a way, yeah, i am. I get to live in a beautiful place that not everyone gets to experience. but with that, comes putting up with an extreme amount of bullshit. let me just say, being a girl and having a middle eastern father is fucking difficult. He is unbelievably strict. I feel like im 15 again. going from living with my mother, who doesn't ever question where i go, what time i come home, or who i am hanging out with, yet still acts as a loving, caring, supportive mother, to living with my dad who doesnt let me hang out with anyone who doesn't live up to his standards, questions every move I make,tells me to be home at 11 when I am almost 20 years old, and from whom i receive no loving caring feelings from is beyond frustrating and so very difficult. I feel like i will never break free from his control. The only way to escape it is to be able to completely support myself financially, which in orange county, is nearly impossible for me. This is the only reason i wish my parents had never divorced. I need to be in california to go anywhere with my life,and i need financial help from my dad to go anywhere with my life, but i need my mom to live with and talk to and support me. I dont think a day has gone by since ive been here that i havent been bitched at for something, or told that im a dissapointment. I could handle that, if i had someone to go to here that really cared. i could put up with the bullshit, if i just had someone to hang out with that made me feel better, lifted me up, someone to counteract the way my dad makes me feel. but i have no one. i no longer have any real friends out here. so im stuck listening to this every day, and its stressful. My father has never been supportive, other than in the financial aspect. I dont recall anything encouraging, or nice that he has ever said to me. Im really frustrated and lonely and my self esteem keeps getting lower every day. i just needed to vent.

i cant wait till school starts, that is if i get in. i will throw myself into my work to take my mind off of everything and spend as much time away from home as possible.
also, ive applied at Urban Outfitters and Steve Madden, so hopefully ill be getting a job soon and that will help as well.

ugh, i miss everyone so much.

Champagne and tears.

This is my second post about champagne.
Can you tell it's my favorite?
At least it made saying goodbye easier.
I have not cried this much in a very long time. I feel like my fun, care free life is over. I feel as if Im forcing myself to grow up all of a sudden, without warning. Because I am. I have left everything that is comfortable to me, and everyone that loves me, for a place that is outside my comfort zone, where I don't know what will happen. I don't have my loving mother to fall back on anymore. yeah, I have my dad, but that is very very different. I'm scared and I'm worried and Im starting to think That maybe I'm making a mistake. I'm not. I miss my best friend. you really don't realize how much someone means to you untill you have to leave them. When someone has been in your life every day for 4 years, and all of a sudden their not just 10 minutes away, it's extremely hard to deal with. What if I change? What if you change?

Christina Aguilera is my idol.
she is so incredibly talented. her voice is unbelievable. not to mention, she has great style.
whenever im feeling down, i always put in one of her cd's and drive around belting out every single song.
always makes me feel better.
yeah, im lame.

Champagne and sex

I was just told that me+champagne is a sexy/sexual drunk.

I beg to differ.
I'm just a really happy drunk.

utterly useless

Im sitting here staring at the computer screen, feeling satisfied, having just made/consumed breakfast for dinner. (cheesy egg-whites,toast, and day old coffee.) surprisingly yummy.
ok, so the coffee's not that great, but I'm tolerating it.
I didn't go to the gym today for the second day in a row. Im really angry at myself for this. i seem to have given up. That is definatly not something i need to be doing. Im going to be in the fashion industry. i cant get fat again. no one will take me seriously. I think im seriously BURNT OUT on working out. i still enjoy it most days, but there are those days where i just cannot make myself go. supposedly, thats normal but that never used to happen. a few months ago, i would drag my ass to the gym rain or shine, 9 hours of sleep or no sleep at all, healthy eating or binge eating. i would always go. I think im just extremely bored with my routine. but if i change it, i dont really feel like i got a good workout. sometimes, just thinking about going to the gym makes me tired. makes me want to just go to sleep. its so bad, when im at the gas station watching the numbers count up on the gas pump, those ticking numbers remind me of the seconds ticking away ever so slowly on the treadmill, and i get this feeling of pure hatred for working out. even the numbers on the fucking microwave remind me of working out, and im just like UGHHH. that's how lame i am.
so overall i just feel fucking fat and lazy. i cannot get back into the swing of things for the life of me. why nooottt? its so frustrating.


Im feeling pretty confident with my admissions stuff for FIDM. We'll see how long that lasts, once i get the email back from my advisor reading my essays.
Ive started getting outfits together for the project. im pretty excited about it. i think i have a chance! i hope i hope i hope.

I was reading Marie Claire earlier, and they had an article on this store in China where they buy a bunch of used tv's, furniture, and stuff like that that women can pay to come in and smash all to pieces to release frustration about their jobs or cheating husbands and whatnot. They give the women hammers and bats and they have a minute to go at it and smash as much as they want. That is such a good idea. We should deffinately have places like this in America, no? That would be entirely too much fun.

back to selecting more outfits...

In case you wanted to know

Haven't had much time for blogging lately.
My mind has been completely focused on my admissions stuff for FIDM, lately.
So far, I have written and re-written my Admissions essay and written my Academic Explanation essay. They are not completely perfect yet, but I think they are pretty close to being finished. Tomorrow i will start gathering materials for my entrance project which includes making up a name for a company, writing a paragraph or so about the demographic of my company, and then putting together five fully accessorized outfits (evening-wear, casual, office attire, etc.) on paper, and coming up with price points for them. Shouldn't be too terribly difficult. Im not worried about what outfits im going to choose, im just worried about writing about the demographic and then making the project look good. Im so nervous that it won't be good enough. But, im giving it everything i've got, so it better be! Im so so so excited/nervous about this whole thing. If i get accepted, i will be the happiest/luckiest girl in the world. busy busy busyyy.

And because of all of this, i have been smoking wayyyyy too many cigarettes, and drinking way too much caffeine.
It will all be worth it later, i hope.

Im about to start reading this book called "I Am Not Myself These Days". looks really good. we'll see!

Louis Vuitton bongs?!

OK,

so i made my decision. Im going to take a semester at Saddleback and then transfer to FIDM in the spring. By then, ill have a place of my own in LA and a great job at a clothing store hopefully.
I was really excited to find out that i still had time to apply at FIDM for the fall semester, and over all that is what i really want to be doing, but i made the decision to go to Saddleback first because, even though i have plenty of time to apply to the other school, I still feel like i have to rush to get all of the stuff done in time. Also, with the classes ill be taking at community college, I'll be more educated in my major and have more experience and build better relationships with people so that i have better options of people to get reccommendations from. Overall, i feel i'd be better prepared to apply at FIDM if i had a little bit more time to learn and do the stuff i have to do. So, even though i was really excited to just go straight to fashion school, it will be better this way, and the excitement will happen soon enough. I'm still excited to start accomplishing something, start working towards something. Only good things will come, as long as i work hard. which i have every intention of doing.


On another note. i've been eating horribly lately.
too much of wayyy too unhealthy shit.
whats wrong with me? I dont do that. I know better than that.
Why can't i just go back to being super healthy all the time.
I need to so bad, or im going to get fat again. that can never ever happen.
I need to do this again. I can do this. ugh.


oh AND, i just got kicked out of my brother's room. apparently i was cock blocking. JESUS...

OH YES.

Muzz found my Ray Bans. :D
yayayayayay THANK GOD.
i was really bummed there, for a few days.

change of plans,mckay's and parliaments.

whoah.
spoke with an Advisor from FIDM today, and apparently they dont start classes untill October. But my time to sign up for classes at Saddleback is now. So do i sign up anyways as a back up plan and risk wasting all that money if i get into FIDM? or do I take a risk and apply at FIDM and just wait and see what happens? i would just hate to not get accepted at FIDM and then have spent all that time waiting, and be left without a school to go to this semester. I dont want to waste any more time. I wanted to start working towards my dreams NOW. I dont know what to do...
also, if i got accepted to FIDM, that would mean i dont have to move untill October or maybe mid-September, which would be wayy cool.
decisions, decisions...

I went to Mckay's today to try and find "The Bell Jar." I found it, but it was still 8 dollars. And being almost broke, like i am, thats still more than i feel like paying. It was cheaper at target, believe it or not. like 5 bucks.
I can't believe I have never really checked out the books at Mckay's before. I found soo many that i want.
ugh, hate being broke. Also, they have a pretty decent collection of books on fashion. Needless to say, i want them all.

I think i smoke over a pack a day now. At least, thats what it seems like. That is fucking disgusting. and expensive.
Im going to die of cancer and have wrinkles by the time im like, 25. I want to quit so badly, but i can't.

amazing shirts- Scott B. Allcorn w. Illustrator Sam Cotton, Vol 1 "Book of Geo"

I absolutely love these shirts.
Scott Allcorn worked together with print designer/illustrator Sam Cotton to create Vol 1 'Book of Geo', a study of surface taken from human anatomy,skins in animals, and more recognizable textures in fabrics.
The prints were created by being painted on canvas first. Digital print was only used to allow the fabric to drape and move, but the paint-like texture is still retained because of being created on canvas first.
my favorite is the Sting-ray skin print.

R.I.P

my beloved Ray Bans.
my favorite sunglasses in the whole entire world.
the PERFECT pair for me.
lost, forever. :(
i am super upset about it, actually.