The cool thing

About hangovers is that you feel too shitty to eat the next day, so it makes up for all the shit I ate last night. good deal.

sleepyhead.

Third day in a row I've woken up at 6am for no reason at all. I'm exhausted but can't go back to sleep.
kill mee.

Also, last night I saw the BIGGEST spider I have ever seen in my life. no joke. I could have died just looking at it in it's huge ass web right in the middle of a walk-way. I feel incredibly sorry for whoever walks into that. I swear, california has the gnarliest spiders. I see at least three huge disgusting ones a day everywhere I go. It's like living in my worst nightmare.

I miss Knoxville and gucci. and hanging out with my friends. and my mom.

I want to work more. I want two jobs but I wish somewhere awesome would hire me.

Consumption

For my own benefit.

Thursday:
3 cups black coffee.
4 eggwhites(50 cal ishh) one piece toast(45 cal)
one scoop protein powder (82 cal)
half banana ( 50 ishh)
yoplait light with half banana and small handful of almonds ( 150-200 )
Bowl of reduced sodium chicken noodle soup, brocolli, one scoop protein powder. ( 250 ishh)

To be continued.

A letter to my worst enemy.

Dearest bathroom scale,

If you don't start decreasing your number 5 lbs lighter in the next two weeks, I swear to god, I will throw you against the wall. I don't eat little to nothing and bust my ass at the gym everyday for you, for nothing. Why must you do this to me? things better start changing soon, or else. Got it?


with all the sincerity and hatred my little heart can conjur up,
Amethyst.

excitement.

so, my text books for my online classes came in the mail this morning.
im so excited. i love new text books. yeah, im super lame. i know this.
i really really hope i can handle all of my online classes and do well in all of them. especially math, the one i need the most and dont want to do the most. ugh.
im going to work my ass off though. FIDM, you cant hold me backkkkk.


on another note, im off to go get Honest Tea, green tea. my favorite, at Albertson's, then picking up some cigarettes, and off to my job interview at Cheesecake Factory! wish me luck!
i need this, BAD.

Cravings.

I'm craving chocolate so bad right now.
Or coffee ice cream.
Or a cupcake.
Or anything that's really terrible for me.
Instead, I've resorted to smoking a ton of cigarettes to try not to think about it. Gross.

I'm also craving new shoes.
Lots of shoes.
And a new purse.
And some new clothes.
And a cuddle sesh.
And some lovin.

Somebody help me!

things are looking up!

Today, I finally got into some online classes. English 102, Communications 100, Psychology 101. I still need to take a math class though, but apparently i need to take a placement test. FUCK THAT. ill just sign up for math somewhere else.
andddd i applied at Cheesecake Factory (favorite restaurant) today, and have a phone interview sometime today! So im really hoping that goes well. :)
also, im going to LA this weekend and plan on meeting a ton of new people! i cant wait.
im so happy things are finally going my way. i guess everything bad DOES happen for a reason.
<3

Happy Birthday

Dad.

I went to Target today to get my dad a birthday card, and i started picking up the various cards, and reading them. As i started reading them, i started to tear up at all the sweet things the cards said. Not because im THAT sensitive/emotional when it comes to cards, but because the cards were saying things about dads that mine is not. They said things like " you've always been there for me no matter what." or " you've always been so encouraging, and supportive." or " when i was little you put me on your shoulders so i could have a better view, you were there when i took my first steps." or " your so kind and loving and full of wisdom and guidance." shit like that. then i started thinking about how none of these cards were appropriate for my dad. If i were to give him one of those, it would have been a lie. I teared up thinking that i have never considered my dad to be any of those things. ive never had the dad ive always wanted. they would say things like " we have so many great memories together, that ill cherish forever." nope. not me. I cant recall a single significant memory that i have with my father. no special moments. nothing i particularly care to remember. its really sad. I wish he was the kind of man ive always needed in my life. I wish i was daddys little girl. but im afraid that will never happen. it hurts to know that. im sorry to say that no, your not "the best dad i could ever ask for."

Happy Birthday Dad.

If you really knew me,

You'd know that I smoke too much. When I'm bored, when I'm driving, after I eat, after sex, too much.

I'm extremely self concious. I may not seem like it, but I am. I hate my arms, and I hate my stomach. I'm never happy with how I look. When I was getting too thin, and people told me I looked unhealthy, secretly, that made me feel great.

I work out every single day, not because I really enjoy it anymore, but because if I don't, I freak out. I can't run like I used to, and sometimes I don't work out like I used to and I hate it. I've left the gym crying countless times from being so mad at myself.

Most days, I can't look in the mirror. It physically hurts to look in the
Mirror. I hate what I see. It instantly puts me in a bad mood. I can't tell you how many times I've looked in the mirror and started bawling. one time, I got so angry with myself, I punched a hole in the wall.

If I mess up my diet, even eating one thing that's bad for me, I feel so incredibly guilty. I get depressed and start crying, or I'll sleep all day to avoid my thoughts. Or some days it's the opposite, I feel so unhappy with myself that I just say fuck it, and eat so much that I make myself sick and unable to do anything all day. Sometimes this lasts for days at a time, sometimes weeks. its like I'm punishing myself.

And when i do eat stuff that's bad for me, I hide it. I'd eat when everyone went to bed. if someone saw me eating I'd feel like I was doing something wrong, like they would judge me.

Sometimes I feel like when people look at me, all their thinking is how fat I am. I feel like all they can focus on is my flaws. people who knew me when I was heavier and saw me after I lost weight, I feel like when they see me now, they are thinking how I've gained weight back, and how I'm just a fat ass with no self control and how I've let myself go. That's what I feel like they are thinking.

Seeing pretty skinny girls is really depressing for me. i get so incredibly jelous that it can actually ruin my day. at
Times, seeing someone so pretty and skinny has actually made me so sad that I just eat to make myself feel better, but it only makes me feel better for a minute, then I feel like shit for binging like that in the first place. It's crazy. Like. If a hot guy walks by, I'd be more likely to check out the girl he's with and envy how skinny she is than even take a second look at the guy.

want

when i was 5 i wanted a pony.
when i was 12 i wanted a cell phone.
when i was 15 i wanted to be able to stay out past 11:30.
when i was 17 i wanted a boyfriend.

i never stop wanting.

things i currently really really want:
- this one black bag at Steve Madden.
- a smaller, simpler, camera. just for fun.
- to lose 15 pounds.
- to make friends in california.
- to get that job at Urban.
- to get into school this semester.
- a BMW. black.
- a kitten. black and white with white boots.
- to stop smoking.
- millions of dollars.
- to be successful.
- to feel pretty again.
- a best friend.
- to be able to run 5 miles again.
- new music.
- endless supply of Jamba Juice.