adjusting

to my new life in california. so far, not so good. Everyone seems to think I am so "lucky". in a way, yeah, i am. I get to live in a beautiful place that not everyone gets to experience. but with that, comes putting up with an extreme amount of bullshit. let me just say, being a girl and having a middle eastern father is fucking difficult. He is unbelievably strict. I feel like im 15 again. going from living with my mother, who doesn't ever question where i go, what time i come home, or who i am hanging out with, yet still acts as a loving, caring, supportive mother, to living with my dad who doesnt let me hang out with anyone who doesn't live up to his standards, questions every move I make,tells me to be home at 11 when I am almost 20 years old, and from whom i receive no loving caring feelings from is beyond frustrating and so very difficult. I feel like i will never break free from his control. The only way to escape it is to be able to completely support myself financially, which in orange county, is nearly impossible for me. This is the only reason i wish my parents had never divorced. I need to be in california to go anywhere with my life,and i need financial help from my dad to go anywhere with my life, but i need my mom to live with and talk to and support me. I dont think a day has gone by since ive been here that i havent been bitched at for something, or told that im a dissapointment. I could handle that, if i had someone to go to here that really cared. i could put up with the bullshit, if i just had someone to hang out with that made me feel better, lifted me up, someone to counteract the way my dad makes me feel. but i have no one. i no longer have any real friends out here. so im stuck listening to this every day, and its stressful. My father has never been supportive, other than in the financial aspect. I dont recall anything encouraging, or nice that he has ever said to me. Im really frustrated and lonely and my self esteem keeps getting lower every day. i just needed to vent.

i cant wait till school starts, that is if i get in. i will throw myself into my work to take my mind off of everything and spend as much time away from home as possible.
also, ive applied at Urban Outfitters and Steve Madden, so hopefully ill be getting a job soon and that will help as well.

ugh, i miss everyone so much.